Friday, November 04, 2005

The Real Me

Sometimes I am just a big jerk. Most days I am a pretty okay person to be around, but today I was pretty much the last person even I wanted to be with today. I had a very short fuse with my older son all day, I snapped at my husband over, of all things, not getting to look at fingernail polish at the store, and so on and so forth. I even found myself getting irritated with my seven month old son when he was crying because he is majorly teething right now.

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes, because I want to be this perfectly happy, perfectly well adjusted mom who has everything under control. I want to remember Christ's example for how we should live our lives and live it out 24/7/365, but I am lucky if I even get one civil word out some days. I judge people in my head and criticize others to myself, and still come off seeming like a nice person most days. What a crock! If people only knew how terrible I can be to my own family sometimes. It really makes me remember how far God has brought me. I have no hope of doing anything good without Him. If it wasn't for Christ's example I don't think I would even try, because to be honest, it kind of feels good to be a selfish jerk. If I had no conscience, no higher calling, I could be professional jerk. Always looking out for myself? It's what I'm best at.

It's funny how kids kind of change that in you, too. I am continuously having to put their needs before my own. I would like to sit in a chair all day and read book after book, but there is house work to be done, if I don't nurse the baby then he's pretty much done for. If I don't get my toddler food and provide some structure for his day God only knows what kind of chaos would ensue. I am not my own person these days, and I am sure it will be a while before I feel like I am again, but that is okay most days.

I realized that I am kind of starting to ramble, which I am prone to do at times, so I guess I just wanted to unload a little at the end of the day. I do feel better. I guess that's what this blogging stuff is all about. I don't really have any answers about what to do with a day like today. I guess I just keep on truckin' and pray that tomorrow I have a better attitude about everything. That's the great thing about life, every day you get to start over fresh and clean. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.


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